Log in

Chaotic Beauty

Journey into the unknown with me




June 3rd, 2007


I am here. I made it. For 5 years i have struggled and pushed myself to graduate and i did. I got the job in nashville with MyTV30 and now i am starting a new life. However i am bored. I don't know anyone and i am defenitely not use to staying home at night with no one to call. I just spent 2 weeks with Nik and sleeping alone is a new experience and i miss my friends. I hope that once i start working life will be better because i will finally have something to do.

May 15th, 2007

the beach

I am here on the beach and God is it great. Nothing but friends and blue skies and nothing else. Nik has been texting me all day and that is cool, she promises she is able to keep up and we will see but that has been a promise i have heard before and never really been able to believe so if she can i will be seriously impressed. I love not having to worry about bills, drama and the past.... today is about me and what i have to do for me. Thank God for graduation and a free vacation from Dad.

April 22nd, 2007


Going to a Women's Music Festival. For the love of me i can't figure out why any woman's band would want to come to Knoxville but here we are on our way. Hopefully it will be worth attending and not something i blame my pathetic Sunday on. Maybe it will be ok.

April 19th, 2007

Jobs, Jobs, Jobs

So i have to go back to Nashville. Both Fox and Comcast want me to visit with their General Managers and now is when the fun starts. I get to make a big decision and that means lets talk money. Thank god I am finally going to get out of a week to week pay check struggle an really start to make some cash. School is killing me, every day is a struggle and class seems pointless.......2 more classes....... i know i can i know i can i know i can. IS THIS SHIT OVER YET? Anyways just trying to survive the week.

April 11th, 2007


So this is the week. The week of interviews that i have been waiting on all semester. It is the do or die time. I want the job in Nashville bad. It is a great market, close to home, and far enough away to live in a whole new world of gay land. I am so over knoxville. I am over the bitches, and the ex friends, the drama, and all the people that i have to encounter on a day to day basis. When is my beginning going to begin and this rat whole of a life i am living going to end? I am so over life right now. I need a pick me up, a little attention, and most of all sex. Its been 3 weeks. Have i lost my touch or have i just been through everyone in knoxville worth going after. I am alone. I feel it everyday. I am tired of hearing about the new girl and i am tired of being the great friend. I cry every time i see you walk in the door and know that you still aren't mine. That i will have to hear another story and only be on the outside looking in. I need a little bit of knowledge and attention to know i am still here, because i feel like i am fading. Emo? Yeah that is exactly what i am.

April 2nd, 2007


Shouldn't a person have a hub. I mean one person in their life where no matter what or who or whatever is happening they are there. I guess that is what i assume should be the right thing. I don't. I have people, i have several people who are in my life and not one that i can have a constant support system. Yeah there are a few i want to be my hub, but stupid shit prevents that. Exes and new girlfriends, other people's shit. I am so sick and tired of hearing about other people's shit. Being the hub in their life. Maybe the role of the hub is to much to ask, to much to expect or even to imagine. I am going to graduate and it makes me wonder will their be a place in someone's life that feels empty? Will my leaving make that much of a difference to someone else or only to me. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of crying and being forgotten. When is my chance to find a place to cry without shame without running away and closing up once again. I am so over this place in life.

March 25th, 2007

now or never

Ok so psycho jamie had to go........can you please be more crazy? i don't think so. She totally got crazy when she asked me who i was fucking and i told her that it was none of her fucking business, because really it isn't, you are not anyone that has the right to that info. So i had sex with AC. That is probably not the best decision i have ever made but hey i needed sex and there she was. Big news update. Over spring break i put out about 75 applications and suddenly i am a sought after AE. I have an interview this wednesday with the CW but the big one is next month. On April 13 I have an interview with the Fox affiliate in Nashville. My dreams could come true. To get the hell out of K-town and move to Nashville. I mean really this could be huge. A chance to get out of town and be guaranteed a job after graduation and just for life to start over again. I am so over the bullshit that Knoxville offers. I am ready to start a grown up life and find someone to settle down with and live a more mature life. I want Ro to come with me, but I know she won't. Its scary to think i am about to graduate and move on but its good, and i am so excited.

March 14th, 2007

long weekend

So i am talking to Jamie right? And then Friday night i discover that Jamie is a psycho. Like crazy personalities just jumping out of her from one to the next. So like any scared lesbian i stopped that shit quick. But i have done myself in an killed the only sex i was getting. so i decided friends are good and so the sex is back on lol. I have decided this week, which by the way is Spring Break is dedicated to sending out the resume. I have spend hours sending it out to stations across the country and now i am waiting. I mean all i want is one job offer, just one that is far away from here lol. I guess i will see what happens.

March 9th, 2007

bruises and orgasms

Wow didn't realize it had been so long since last post. Well I have started "dating" someone. I guess that is what we are doing. Her name is Jamie and we have been talking for about a week. Which in honesty is great timing because Ro is now fucking Lindy for real so now we get to compare........wierd i know. So Jamie is cool, clingy oh so clingy, but cool. This girl is a completely different kind of fuck. I mean she fucks to make you scream. Not just a wow that was a great orgasm scream but oww that is a painful orgasm. I get off no matter what but damn if i don't look like a fucking bruised piece of meat. She admitted to me today that she liked me more than I liked her and for once i can say she is right. she calls me, and comes to my house, and calls me, and fucks me, and calls me and calls me and calls me. Its a bit much but i do enjoy my time with her. Im not looking for anything big just a good time but i guess we will see.

February 25th, 2007


connie was the name of the game this weekend. A fucked up weekend of drugs and alcohol and an overall push to forget my life. I wonder do i have these weekends to forget about life or am i just trying to forget everyone within it. I am alone, deeply alone. My heart aches daily for companionship. I want to feel arms around me and see a smile that i know is only for me. I want that connection and instead i am drowning in sorrow and drugs that make me feel better and a lifestyle that feels empty. Damn her for telling me everything. For leaving my heart behind and admitting it was never really there anyways. Fuck what we had because my heart knows different, that what we shared was true and what we had was real even if she can't remember it. I just want to be happy again in a real way.
Powered by LiveJournal.com